OLD AGE BUTTONS
1. “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
2. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!
3. Age is not how old you are but how many years of fun you’ve had.
4. Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.— Luis Buñuel
5. Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
6. Aging is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person that you always should have been.
7. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
8. Ah! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
9. All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
10. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
11. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.— Groucho Marx
12. As I grow older and wiser, I begin to understand what I don’t understand.
13. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can’t remember the other two.
14. As you get older, you don’t get wiser, you get irritable. —Doris Lessing
15. At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves. — George Orwell
16. At my age I don’t even buy green bananas.
17. At my age the only pole dancing I do is to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub.
18. At my age, flowers scare me —George Burns
19. At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
20. Being an adult is a little out of my price range.
21. Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster too.” —Lionel Kauffman (author)
22. Destined to be an old woman without regrets.
23. Don’t get all weird about getting older. Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us.
24. Don’t piss off old people. The older we get the less life in prison is a deterrent.
25. Don’t worry about getting old – you’re still going to do dumb stuff – only slower.
26. Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last that long.
27. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”
28. Enjoy every sandwich.— Warren Zevon
29. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
30. Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better.— Ingrid Bergman
31. Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does. —J Norman Collie
32. Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
33. Growing old should have taken much longer.
34. Have you ever noticed: the Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL?
35. How old do you have to be to know what’s going on?
36. I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back and now I have to pee.
37. I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap— Bob Hope
38. I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before
39. I don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly
40. If things get better with age, then I’m approaching magnificent.
41. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
42. I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.
43. I may be old but…what was I saying?
44. I must admit I’m nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
45. I must be going bald. It’s taking longer and longer to wash my face.
46. I never dreamed I’d be a grumpy old Fart, but here I am – killing it!
47. I realized I’m getting old when I get out of bed and it sounds like bubble wrap.
48. I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major hissy fit.
49. I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. Each time I enter a room, I wonder what I’m here after. Tim Conway
50. I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.
51. I stay away from natural foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get. — George Burns
52. I survived the 60’s twice!
53. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
54. I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
55. I was always taught to respect my elders. But it’s getting harder to find any.
56. I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through.
57. I would rather have 3 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
58. I’m going to retire and live off my savings. What I do the second day I have no idea.
59. I’m not adding this year to my age – I didn’t use it – Albert Einstein
60. I’m not getting old, I’m outlasting my warranty.
61. I’m not retired, I’m a professional Grandma.
62. I’m old enough to make my own decisions, just not young enough to remember what I decided.
63. I’m retired. You’re not. Have fun at work tomorrow.
64. It took me 80 years to look this good!
65. I’ve got kidney stones, gall stones, and bladder stones. I guess you could say that I’m living in the stone age.
66. I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
67. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
68. If I’d known grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first.
69. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. (Adolph Zukor)
70. If you’re going to die, die interesting.
71. I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.— Phyllis Diller
72. I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often . . . but I’m well preserved. —Rose Kennedy
73. I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued. —Bill Dane
74. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.—Jennifer Yane
75. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
76. It is not how old you are, but how you are old.— Jules Renard
77. It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
78. It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
79. It took me 87 years to look this good.
80. It’ weird being the same age as old people.
81. It’s never too late to be what you want to be, unless you want to be younger – then you’re screwed.
82. It’s not the first wrinkle that’s scary – it’s the reaction that follows.
83. It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone. — Andy Rooney
84. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
85. It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.
86. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
87. I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else. —Josh Billings
88. Lately, you’ve noticed that people your age are so much older than you.
89. Learn something new – old age is not an excuse.
90. Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. — Truman Capote
91. Life is a sandwich of activity between two periods of bed-wetting.— Padgett Powell
92. Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.” —Phyllis Diller
93. Live your life and forget your age.
94. Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.
95. Looking 50 is great — if you’re 60.
96. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
97. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
98. My age doesn’t bother me. It’s the side effects.
99. My body creaks so much, my doctor just wrote me a prescription for WD40.
100. My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them? Diane Von Furstenberg
101. My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
102. My mind says I‘m in my twenties…but my body says “Yeah, you wish!”
103. My mind still thinks I’m 25. My body thinks my mind is an idiot.
104. My mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”— Betty White
105. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
106. Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere. George Burns
107. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.
108. No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.— Henry David Thoreau
109. Old age comes at a bad time. When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.
110. Old age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier. —Dan Bennett
111. Old age is when it takes longer to get over a good time than to have it.
112. Old age is when you are sitting at home on a Saturday night and the phone rings and you hope it isn’t for you. —Ogden Nash
113. Old age used to be in my head, now it’s in my joints too.
114. Old age: Later than you think, and sooner than you expected. —Earl Wilson
115. Retired – one owner, high mileage needs body work.
116. Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
117. Sometimes I feel old, but then I realize my sister is older.
118. The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
119. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
120. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
121. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. —Jerry M. Wright
122. The idea is to die young as late as possible.— Ashley Montague
123. The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. —Judith Regan
124. The older I get, the more I want to be authentically myself.
125. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. —Will Rogers
126. The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.
127. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight: because by then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
128. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball
129. There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and ‘you’re looking well.’ —Red Skelton
130. There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.—Bob Phillips
131. There are years that ask questions and years that answer.
132. There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.—Dennis Wolfberg
133. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. —Caryn Leschen
134. To age is a privilege.
135. To me old age is always 10 years older than I am.
136. ‘To what do you attribute your long life?’ To the fact that I haven’t died yet. —Sir Malcolm Sargent
137. We’ve put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.—Frank Howard Clark
138. What’s so funny about getting old?
139. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
140. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
141. Where does it say we have to act our age? As long as it makes me happy and I’m not hurting anyone, I will act whatever age I want to.
142. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags, or leaks.
143. You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. — Hy Gardner
144. You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. —George Burns
145. You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without saying I may as well pee while I’m here.
146. You know you’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes as long as you don’t have to.
147. You know you’ve reached old age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.— Joan Rivers
148. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope
149. You’ve got 3 choices in life: Give up Give in or Give it all you’ve got!